Ghosts of Christmas Pisst

Back at work, I was appraised of “The 2014 Office Christmas party”. Boy, I’m glad I don’t go to these things; they are just awful.

In the past, if I’m coerced about attending stuff like this –  I just pay my share but then don’t bother turning up. If anyone asks later, I pretend I was unwell or something unexpected occurred. It is money well spent.

At least this most recent one was free – meaning I could not-go and not-pay as well. I take this to be an excellent Christmas present to  myself.

[Insert High Five here]

I was not alone because many didn’t bother turning up for “The 2014 Office Christmas party”, those few who did actually attempted to eat all the (free) food and drink all the (free) drink. We’re talking here about chaps eating three three course meals. Unopened bottles of wine were smuggled out under coats. Ugly.Nicking Bottles of wine

Plus one of the senior management was ‘approached’ regarding his ‘behaviour toward females’ from another firm sharing the venue. Yikes. Scuffles were narrowly avoided.

As for me, I had another brilliant Christmas at home with the family. Perfect.

And it usually is good for me. Although I do recall one year, many years ago…

It was when I was single and dating a young slapper. I was invited to meet her family at their home down in the Scottish Borders on Christmas Day. I tried but could not get out of it.

We arrived, and I was placed in the living room for the expected awkwardness while the mother prepared the Christmas meal. After an eternity, dinner was announced, then, as we were sidling into seats around the table, the family dog suddenly flipped – with a bark and a jump it had sunk its teeth into the turkey and dragged it off at speed round the house and eventually under a bed upstairs where it shat itself from nerves.

There was much screaming and chasing, followed by damp cloths, disinfectant and hoovering.

This was my first (and only) vegetarian Christmas dinner.

Ever since, whenever I smell disinfectant, I think of vegetarians.

Happy New Year!

xmas dog incident

The Lost Art of Tittle Tattle

Many years ago, I enjoyed reading things called “newspapers”.

Back then, they could be produced surprisingly quickly – for example, one could pick up the latest edition immediately upon leaving a football stadium – and they would be reporting the final score. There would be a full account of the game, and it would be written up in a certain literary style too:

“… As the East-sharpened wind drew flurries of orange and brown autumnal leaves across the Parkhead goalmouth, Murdoch’s cross was deftly deflected by the cat-like agility of the Dundee keeper amidst the visitors’ defending mêlée…”

I devoured The Diary in the Herald (David Belcher then Tam Shields), and adored the wit of Chic Murray and Bud Neill (especially Lobey Dosser). Back then, there was a definite type of humour, a style of wit that was “Glaswegian”. I miss that still. But its not just the Glasgow banter, it’s also the freedoms of the past. We demanded our right to fun, and I think we were all wittier than we are now.

Private Eye – Willie Rushton! Mad Magazine – Don Martin! Just brilliant. My sister even showed me that the personal columns could be funny; people didn’t die, they were “just sleeping”. I remember being sore from laughing at the Lonely Hearts columns, and “The Snips” (where people tried to sell rubbish stuff).

The papers are all but gone now, and there are all sorts in the workplace now, and we all have to observe political correctness and be scared of tweeting the wrong thing or whatever.

People were expected to do what they wanted, they were to be feared – they were the customer, they were the audience. You wanted their laughs, their patronage, their loyalty. My, how times have changed.

Now, I am not hankering after the past simply because I am an old fuddy-duddy, oh no, I just miss the tittle tattle. It really is a lost art.

People used to tell tall tales, interesting stories, and ripping yarns. It was not always a ghost story or a joke, but it was always a slice of life, and something peculiar.

It seems to me that people now seem to be satisfied with liking and sharing viral stuff on the internet. If they do talk, its usually about viral internet memes, popular TV shows, or themselves.

Anyway, I started this blog as a place to put my tittle tattle, any tales and stories that occur to me or memories that are triggered by events. I hope you find them interesting, inspiring or an insight into a different slice of life.