Ghosts of Christmas Pisst

Back at work, I was appraised of “The 2014 Office Christmas party”. Boy, I’m glad I don’t go to these things; they are just awful.

In the past, if I’m coerced about attending stuff like this –  I just pay my share but then don’t bother turning up. If anyone asks later, I pretend I was unwell or something unexpected occurred. It is money well spent.

At least this most recent one was free – meaning I could not-go and not-pay as well. I take this to be an excellent Christmas present to  myself.

[Insert High Five here]

I was not alone because many didn’t bother turning up for “The 2014 Office Christmas party”, those few who did actually attempted to eat all the (free) food and drink all the (free) drink. We’re talking here about chaps eating three three course meals. Unopened bottles of wine were smuggled out under coats. Ugly.Nicking Bottles of wine

Plus one of the senior management was ‘approached’ regarding his ‘behaviour toward females’ from another firm sharing the venue. Yikes. Scuffles were narrowly avoided.

As for me, I had another brilliant Christmas at home with the family. Perfect.

And it usually is good for me. Although I do recall one year, many years ago…

It was when I was single and dating a young slapper. I was invited to meet her family at their home down in the Scottish Borders on Christmas Day. I tried but could not get out of it.

We arrived, and I was placed in the living room for the expected awkwardness while the mother prepared the Christmas meal. After an eternity, dinner was announced, then, as we were sidling into seats around the table, the family dog suddenly flipped – with a bark and a jump it had sunk its teeth into the turkey and dragged it off at speed round the house and eventually under a bed upstairs where it shat itself from nerves.

There was much screaming and chasing, followed by damp cloths, disinfectant and hoovering.

This was my first (and only) vegetarian Christmas dinner.

Ever since, whenever I smell disinfectant, I think of vegetarians.

Happy New Year!

xmas dog incident


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