Overhear

I came across some old notes on ridiculous things overheard in the office and thought I’d share them here.

–“How are you doing, Peter?”
–“Still slavering away”

***

(Looking at wedding dress pictures)…

Angela- “I’d like that one if it had more sleeves.”
Ian- “How many arms have you got?”

***

“Sandy had rolls on prawns with Rosie Marie Sauce.”

***

“Ian and his girlfriend are going to her work’s dance. Ian’s ‘phoning ’round the florists for a courgette for her.”

***

(Talking about Archie McPherson being punched while commentating at Rangers v Celtic match for Radio Clyde)

“He carried on like a true professional, and the viewers had no idea he had been attacked.”

***

“I’m going to take Liz for a splash-up meal!”

***

–“I’m going to do some painting”

–“Oh! Painting by colours, er, I mean numbers.”

***

“We get a quarterly charge every month.”

***

–“Will you give me a lift to work?”

–“What’s wrong with your car?”

–“I left it at work.”

–“What do you mean?”

–“I forgot I had the car at work, and scrounged a lift home!”

***

(After talking to an Italian client on the ‘phone)…

“I just managed to get my brains into gear before opening my mouth… I nearly said ‘Buenas Noches’, but that’s Spanish – it means ‘How are you?'”

***

“See that Plough Hotel – every time I  go there, the Bacardi’s flat.”

***

(Talking about the Flowerpot Men)…

–“I’ve heard about them, but I’ve never actually seen them on telly.”

–“Neither have I, but I saw them on telly this morning.”

***

“See trying to get into Stuart’s drawers… it’s awful hard.”

***

“Just you write a memo to heid-the-bread about it!”

***

(Discussing a night-out)…

–“What are we doing for food tomorrow? Are we going for a Chinese, or an Indian or what?”

–“I think we should go for a pizza; I can’t stand all that foreign stuff.”

***

“Did you read that in the paper about the guy that was charged with sexual assault on a dolphin – aye – he got off wi’ it.”

***

(Friday at 3pm)…

–“Has anyone heard any more about us finishing at one o’clock?”

–“What – today?”

***

–“Jim, what’s Arne’s other name?”

“Which Arne?”

“Arne Sorvik.”

***

“I got lost in Kirkintilloch. Instead of going left, straight-on, or right… I went left!”

***

“At this exact moment in time last night…”

***

“We had a visit from my auntie… that’s my dad’s brother…”

***

–“Do you want a chicken sandwich?”

–“Oh, I don’t know; what’s on it?”

***

“They want us to alter the piping in that fast loop cabinet. You would have to be a ventriloquist to get in there.”

***

–“I’ve got a tolerance of three hundredths (0.03 inches).”

–“No, no, no; I wanted 30 thou (0.03 inches).”

***

–“Mary- do you know what a curfew is?”

–“Aye… that’s when everybody’s to be in bed for 8 o’clock.”

***

(At bedtime, after a hectic weekend)…

–“Oh, I’m tired, Mary.”

–“Aye, so am a’ – I woke up doonstairs, an’ we were both sleepin’.”

***

“Is this it then Jim… There’s only the two of us for this meeting – you, me, and Jim Morrison.”

***

–“Will you have a ‘phone in your new flat?”

–“Oh yes, incoming calls only… I’d feel safer with a phone.”

***

“In Norway, you are not allowed to drink with alcohol in you.”

***
“I remember Steve Gillespie’s Hen Night…”

***

–“Why does your clock flash between two different times?”

–“Because one of them is the date.”

***

“I’ve got two words for you, Davy – the first one begins with ‘F’, and the second one’s a swear word.”

***

–“I’m hungry!”

–“Go make a sandwich then.”

–“No, I’ll get something hot from the freezer.”

***

“Never kick a gift horse in the mouse.”

***

“Stephen’s fiancée was ill with vinyl meningitis.”

***

“We’ve still got an ace up oor kilt”

***

“I’m overtaking Steve’s desk”

***

“Oh just hold on; my pen’s run out of lead.”

***
“Before I remember, I’ll need to ‘phone.”

***
–“How come there’s 5 in one team, and 4 in the other team?”

–“Because there’re 9 of us.”

***

“My son’s away hill-walking with my car.”

***

“I’ve done it erse before the cart.”

***

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