Why Life Is Good If You’re A Man.

Dear Sir/Madam,
The Knights of The Round Table are now all women.

The age of chivalry is no longer possible for men. All the politeness, the romance, the courtesy, the courtly activities and all modern day equivalents are no longer for us lads.

It’s just the way emancipation and political correctness have worked out over time. Facts are facts.

As a man, I cannot freely hold open a door for a female; it would take gumption to pull off such a socially risky business. The thought of offering to carry bags or parcels for a lady is simply just that – a thought. Of course one would never be so silly as to attempt such a thing.

There is no way I would help a woman on or off a horse, bus, train, steps or whatever – unless they were a well-known and elderly relative, and only if I did it overtly, playing pantomime to the gallery, a sardonic pastiche to the pedestal where women once were so protectively put.

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Am I bemoaning a loss? Nope. Am I grumbling about cultural emasculation? Not a bit, sir. No, no, and thrice no.

Au contraire; I prefer my metrosexuality, my culturally promoted role of narcissism and selfishness. To be a man today is most excellent – the world insists that I be carefree, stressless, and tensionless, I can grow a fabulous beard, get a manicure, wear a manbag, be a phone fiddler – and yet still do guitar, or football, fishing, or drink beer. Where’s the downside?

On the other hand, my modern wife is getting it all full-on. She’s getting the grief and the guilt trips. I can’t wear a dress, not really, but she can wear the trousers.

She feels compelled to help mothers with wayward toddlers and wonky prams. She offers assistance to women who have a broken down car at the roadside. She feels that she can’t just drive on past; who would help her?

In fact, a few months back she had a puncture, and was changing the wheel herself with the children strapped in the back. The car was parked up on a busy pavement near a school and shops. Lots of people walked to and fro – but only females offered to help.

It is quite a remarkable reversal of culture and customs, and how odd that, back in the day, when it was a “man’s world”, men were required to do a lot more, they were more responsible, and expected to not merely contribute, but to lead.

Women can earn more than their male partners, they can do the same jobs, have the same careers – but the super thing is that they still have to bear the children, and generally they get to do the cooking, cleaning, shopping, meeting school teachers and feel guilty about letting their appearance slip.

There is no way that I would swap gender roles in this day and age. Be a woman? Hell no.

I get BONUS points for helping her about the house. If I do anything with our children, I get praised and applauded. And when I do the attentive chivalrous routine at Valentines or Birthdays, I gain so much karma gold and kudos simply because men are not meant to do anything anymore.

These days, men can stay boys for life. While we no longer refer to this as a “man’s world”, it really is much easier for men now. We can relax and put our feet up to watch women take up all the tasks that once were ours.

On top of their own old ones.

So when letters from the bank begin, “Dear Sir/Madam”, it doesn’t mean Sir OR Madam, it means this new thing, this blend of Sir AND Madam that is the modern female. These letters are for my wife; she does all the banking anyway.

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